Yi Chou... The Year of The Ox - 2009!

This is MY year... I just found out that 2009 is the year of the Ox. I am was born (the first born) in the year of the Ox, so wouldn't it be fitting that my first born also be born with the Ox!! Maybe it is a stretch, but at this point I will take any thing!! A few tidbits about the Ox:

People born in the Chinese New Year of Ox, 2009 will preponderantly have the below mentioned traits in their character:

Leadership qualities, dependable, great organizers, loyal, patient as well as strong and responsible. They are also some of the best people one can have as colleagues in the work place as they are believed to posses strong work ethics and display their creative side as well, especially when it comes to decorating their home.

Since the people born in the Ox year are also trusted to be reliable and logical, people generally turn towards them for suggestions and guidance. Their honesty and eye for details also helps them to prove their worth both in the workplace as well as in their personal lives.

However there are a few negative traits associated with the character of the Ox that also is reflected through the people born in the ox years. Attributes like being narrow minded, stubborn (my husband would agree), with low public relations skills and also very far from being emotional are generally associated with people born in this year.

I thought I would also dedicate this thread to my Top 10 resolutions... not that I make or keep resolutions. Maybe I will just call them wishes or goals that I would like to see happen in 2009!

1. Get Pregnant

2. Love Unconditionally

3. Be a Support for My Husband!! (just like he is for me!!)

4. Exercise More (not to loose weight, just to feel better, especially if #1 happens!!)

5. Learn to Love What I Have and Have What I Love

6. Not Take Anything for Granted!!

7. Organize My Craft Room

8. Finish the Nursery

9. Finish the Addition on the House

10. Give Birth to at Least 1 Beautiful Healthy Baby!!!!

Just Want to Wish Everyone a Safe and Happy New Year! May this year bring you all of your dreams and keep you safe!!

Love Always,

Kacey

Betrayed

Well this week started out in royal form!! We were supposed to have started our first cycle of IVF this week, but much to my surprise we were put off yet again! This time however I have lost all faith in the RE. At my last appt he told me that we would begin this cycle with no Lupron, that I would not have to take another month of BCP and that we would start stims on CD3. Well all of the was apparently him talking out of his rearend because we are still doing Lupron, I am starting another month of BCP and we are not starting stims until the last week it January!!

I know that he probably thought that telling me something was better than saying "I don't know" but he was wrong. I don't know is an acceptable ok answer to a question that you don't have an answer to. Giving an IVFer fasle hope is like putting penut butter on a rat trap. Lure him in and then snap his neck. False hope feels about the same.

After I got back from my appt yesterday I realized that the "wait" is not as bad as the nurse made it sound on the phone, but there is more than the wait that is killing me. Now I have no hope. For the first time since we were diagnosed as "Infertile" I can not seem to grasp hope. The same RE that filled me full of crap at our last appt is the one that told me "I will get pregnant". Will I?? I mean everything else he has told me has been wrong, so is he wrong about this??

I really want to believe that I will get pregnant but this RE has betrayed my trust. My trust in him and his medical staff and his ability to get me pregnant. I know that you are thinking, "Can't you find a new doctor?" We could, I have looked, but Michael doesn't want to. And we have already put too much time, effort and money into this doctor to go somewhere else. I will just have to deal and keep praying that God can work inspite of this doctor!

New Cycle Protocol:

Start BCP (Nuva Ring) - 12/31
Start Lupron - 1/18
Start Stims - 1/25
Possible Egg Retrival - 2/5
Possible 3day Transfer - 2/8
Possible 5day Transfer - 2/10
Beta Test Results - 2/20

Merry

CHRISTmas!!

We are heading out in just a little bit... as soon as I get off of work!! We are heading to another state to visit my mom. Tonight we will be eating well and watching a Nativity Story. An amazing movie that I reccommend to everyone. I hope that you all have an amazing Christmas. Keep your families close and remeber the true meaning for the season!!

Love,
Michael and Kacey

There are women that become mothers without effort,

without thought, without patience or loss

and though they are good mothers and love their children,

I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money

or that I have read more books,

but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.

I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation

are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep,

explore and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child,

knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him

and that I am not waking to take another temperature,

pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense;

that God has given me this insight,

this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to

or a child that God leads me to,

I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,

neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body,

I have been tried by fire and hell many never face,

yet given time, I stood tall.I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me,

I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.

I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better,

I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine,

of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth

and when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Author- Unknown

Have a Happy Period...

I found this on my fertility site this morning. I was going through some of the old posts and found this. It is so funny and so true!! I hope you enjoy...


This is an actual letter sent to Proctor and Gamble from W. Aarons, Austin, TX, regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph . . .

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always Maxi Pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuardCore(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, whiteshorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills". Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division,you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants...which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you f***ing kidding me? Does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Kmart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man!

If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh**. And that's a promise I will keep.


Best Always,
W. Aarons
Austin, TX

What God Meant for Me...

This was shared with me by a user on a fertility website that I am affiliated with I really puts my fertility journey into perspective and has helped me through a few very though times...

I am a religious person and my faith in what God
means when he gives people certain challenges
has kept me going through this ordeal.
What do I think God meant when he gave me Infertility?
I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer,

become stronger, love deeper.
I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves
to get up every time infertility knocks us down.
I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines,
invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols.
I think God meant for us to find a cure for Infertility.

No, God never meant for me to not have children.

That's not my destiny, that's just a fork in the road I'm on.

I've been placed on the road less traveled,

and like it or not, I'm a better person for it.

Clearly, God meant for me to overcome my devastation,

my guilt and my sorrow in order to develop more compassion,

deeper courage, and greater inner strength
on this journey to resolution and I haven't let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God meant

for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and

so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms it will

be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

Making the Past the Present...

Ok I wanted to give a little history of our infertility journey. Michael and I saw a urologist in May and found out that his count was low and referred us to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE for short). We immediately made an appointment as soon as we found out. Our initial appointment was scheduled for July 24. When we got there we didn't have to wait for the nurse to call us to the back. As we walk down the halls we are engulfed by the hundreds of baby photos that line the wall. I was met by a flood of emotions; I didn't know whether to cry with envy or hope. The room, which I expected to see a cold paper covered exam table with stirrups, had a beautiful round wood table with elegant high backed chairs. We gave the nurse our preliminary information and waited only moments before we met Dr. Storment, he was very nice and professional. He walked us through some of the routine test that would be run and the possible outcome solution scenarios. Because I am just like a 5 year old waiting for Christmas to come, I had already had most of the tests done. We went over Michael's semen analysis. The urologist who first read us the test results made them out to be hopeless; Dr. Storment however, led us to believe that the test looked very promising. We had a few preliminary tests done at the hospital to make sure that my fallopian tubes were not block. Everything checked out fine and we were able to move forward with an IUI -- intrauterine insemination. This is performed by threading a very thin flexible catheter through the cervix and injecting washed (live, motile) sperm directly into the uterus. The best part of the IUI is the price. It is only around $2000 total.

We had our one and only IUI done on September 21, 2008. The procedure was virtually painless, more uncomfortable than anything. The worst part was the two week wait (2ww). It was cruel and unusual punishment. And at the end we were severely disappointed with a BFN (big fat negative). The pain was intense and severe and somehow Michael got me through! However, I decided that I wanted to go straight to InVitro Fertilization (IVF) - It is when they retrieve my mature eggs and fertilize them with Michael's sperm in a lab and then transfer the developed embryo straight in to my uterus so that all it will have to do in implant. Just do the biggest and baddest in hopes for a BFP (big fat positive)!

We started all of the preliminary test for IVF, blood tests and a mock transfer all fun and enjoyable. All I know now is that I do not have HIV or Hep C!! I started taking BCP's (Birth Control Pills) to suppress my ovaries on October 9. When I went back in to the doctor to start Lupron they found a 32mm active cyst!! They started the Lupron so that it would reduce the cyst. I went back on Halloween and they said that the cyst was still there and that on top of that the Lupron made it worse. I actually ovulated while taking BCP and Lupron (suppressant!) They said that because of this they would have to cancel my cycle. Talk about a blow to the heart!! I was miserable for several weeks! Thank God that I have such wonderful friends and family or I don't think that I would have made it, it was a rough few weeks!!.

They put me on a new BC - the Nuva Ring on November 6, and had me come back in after a month and (drum roll please)... the cyst was gone!!! December 4 I put in a new Nuva Ring and I am currently waiting until my next cycle in a few days and we will start over in January with a new Antagonist (they don't use Lupron) IVF protocol.

Hopefully be the end of January I will be Pregnant!!!

My First Post

My First Post... it is like loosing your first tooth or getting your first car, you're still learning and you're not quite sure what is going on. You just close your eyes, say a little prayer and hope for the best!

I stated this blog a few months ago when Michael and I were first diagnosed with Infertility. I planned to blog about every step of our journey and then life got in the way and I have not had the time. I am still trying to figure out all of the ins and outs of blogging but hopefully I will get the hang of it soon. I am always open to tips and suggestions. If you know how to make my page better please let me know.

I am still dedicating this blog to the process of getting pregnant and as soon as I can I will make posts about the past treatments and appointments that we have gone through.

I would like to say thank you and I love you to all of those who support Michael and I during this time. It is hard and stressful, this disease that they call infertility. But it is people like you who keep our faith strong and moving foreward! Keep us in your prayers!!

Love,
Kacey and Michael